Funny Marriage Advice For Bride: 40 Quotes & Sayings

As a new bride, you have survived all the wedding planning and events. Now comes the hard part: marriage. Here are 40 funny pieces of wedding advice for brides.

Marriage Quotes

1. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck

2. “Michelle’s like Beyonce in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” – Barack Obama

3. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” – Chris Rock

4. “Marriage is like a graph – it has its ups and downs and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” – Dame Julie Andrews

5. “Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.” – Goldie Hawn

6. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft

7. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

8. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… husband!” – Bill Maher

9. “They say love is blind and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” – Mae West

10. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” – Red Skelton

11. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

12. “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” – Simone Signoret

13. “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” – Anonymous

14. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you. After marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

15. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx

16. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” – Toni Sciarra Poynter

17. “Marriage is not just about spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” – Joyce Brothers

18. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

19. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson

20. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

21. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park!” – Anonymous

22. “Marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

23. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington

24. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman

25. “Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.” – Anonymous

26. “When a man opens a car for his wife, it’s either a new car or new wife.” – Prince Phillip

27. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

28. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her masters degree.” – Anonymous

29. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne

30. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.” – Anonymous

31. “Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

32. “All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.” – Lod Byron

33. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

34. “Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

35. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde

37. “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.” – Katharine Hepburn

38. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West

39. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

40. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers

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Funny Marriage Advice For Bride: 40 Quotes And Sayings

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